it's christmas time in the city pity

i have found that unlike other moves in my life, this NYC move (although i'm nearly a two-year veteran) has made me more reserved, introverted, boring, stupid. i stare off into space, instead of, say, reading on the train. i stare and think and wonder. wonder what? wonder why i'm staring. wonder why i'm thinking. wonder why i'm not reading. i have a spacious apartment, furnished with a boy and his two cats. the boy, i love, the cats, not so much. but what do i do upon arrival (upon arrival...dear dear god, i'm writing like i'm at work...like i'm writing a schedule...i am truly becoming what/who they want me to be...and i believe 'what' is the correct word)? i go to my room (and i think of it as 'my' room...not 'ours') and sit and stare and watch terrible trash tv. i eat in bed. i enter into voyeur land with what is slowly (or quickly) becoming the antiquated social networking group, myspace. i honestly can't stop looking at other people. just like people.com or perezhilton. i stare at other people's live. i don't look at celebrities and become jealous or awed. i just look and think. i don't look at the myspace lives of the many people from my high school who have done nothing and gone nowhere and think that i'm better than them. i just think. i can't stop thinking. i can't stop thinking about how i don't know what i'm thinking about. am i stuck? am i realizing that i've fixed myself into this little place that is fine and content and supposedly everything i wanted, but isn't? or is it? is it just that i'm not chasing anything...and i've always been chasing something.

i really am that annoying. yes, those are my thoughts. if i were a character, i would be awful and terrible and no one would like me or want to read about me. just like you don't want to read about me now. or i won't want to read this later.

has anyone ever said that sex and the city is a terrible show? they are right. and wrong.

has anyone ever mentioned that being a pioneer is not fun? that we should be getting money or some type of rental reimbursement? gentrification is easier said than done. easier done by someone else other than me.

politically correct ranting later. bed now.